Why did I want him to come? Maybe because I liked him before or maybe I still do. I'm not sure, neither do I want to be. Feelings, love, desires, these are complicated things and I'd suggest that its better to stay away from these. But the experience, the experience is what makes it all worth it. The butterflies, the peeping, the hiding, all of it making you alive. The disastrous part is the confussion, the chaos, the pain. It all makes me wonder are the feelings really worth it? Love to me is like a question with no definite answer in return,which we always expect. We try hard to find it but we don't get it and it hurts every time.
what? What seems sane? Moreover what is sane? Love resides in all of us and yes I want to show and feel and live with it but I don't want to get hurt. I don't wanna be crying in my bed staring the ceiling of my room during sleepless nights. I want to love, I want someone to message me good morning and good night every other date. I wish it was all so easy.
The background I share with him is hurtful and I had hoped that our paths never cross, but here i am in the same train as his and with the utmost strength left within me I gave him a smile. The worst thing in all of this is to pretend. To pretend to be fine when you've just been shattered into a million pieces from within.
"Same." I replied hoping all this chatting business will be over soon. In the very next moment he came and sat in the seat in front of me. What the hell was I thinking? It did feel nice when he did so but it made it hurtful as well. Crap.
"What do you want?" I asked with a little bit of frustration in my tone. "I just wanted to apologize" he said with a little tension. "You want apologize for what Rahul?" I inquired. "What are you feeling bad about? For rejecting me before? For being the worst and the best guy at the same time?" I said with an angry and raised voice which made some heads turn towards us. "Nothing" he said in a low voice and sat quietly in front of me. I didn't bother to look at that pleasant and calming face of his. I don't want to, and this time I was happy with my decision. For the first time, I was sure I don't want him anymore. Its done, I'm so over him.
I decided to take the very last glance at his face and I did. To my surprise he was already looking at me. I dont know how but my facial muscles went out of my control and sadness and sympathy took my face. He smiled at me and I couldn't control my heart. He was after all what I always wanted. Yes it was sad and yes I felt depressed but I knew this was it. I had made sure that nothing he could say would now make a difference but now it didn't seem to matter.
Suddenly his phone rang, he looked frustrated yet he picked up the phone. "Yes I'm completely fine, you don't need to worry. Okay. Bye . Yes, I love you." And the call cut but gave me enough time to see the contact name-"Baby". All this made me furious and I took my eyes off of him. Enough I thought. I can't do this. A huge streak of jealousy ran through my spine and why wouldn't I be jealous? Tears filled my eyes. Even though I wanted to say so much to him, now I didn't want to say a word. The world is a cruel place and crueler are its people and cruelest are those who tolerate!
what? What seems sane? Moreover what is sane? Love resides in all of us and yes I want to show and feel and live with it but I don't want to get hurt. I don't wanna be crying in my bed staring the ceiling of my room during sleepless nights. I want to love, I want someone to message me good morning and good night every other date. I wish it was all so easy.
The background I share with him is hurtful and I had hoped that our paths never cross, but here i am in the same train as his and with the utmost strength left within me I gave him a smile. The worst thing in all of this is to pretend. To pretend to be fine when you've just been shattered into a million pieces from within.
Only in minutes a message flashes my mobile screen from a number I hardly want to recognize. "You seem fine :)" the message contained. I seem fine? Why? Should I be always in tears for not having you? Won't you like me that way? I thought. "Time passed. I'm pretty fine." I wrote back. Pretty fine? More like pretty not fine. But it was useless telling him that. If a list is created about the things he cares about, people's and specially my feelings won't be on it. It was hard to explain and it is hard to explain but overall I'd say I was rather happy then compared to what I am now. Its hard for me to understand what life wants out of me? What am I destined for?"Was nice to see you after so long" he replied. Why? Because it made you realise how good you are? How better you are? What does he want now? Is his stomach not full yet from my pains and sorrows that he seeks more? Or is it that it can never be filled? So many questions and so less answers and so much misery everywhere.
"Same." I replied hoping all this chatting business will be over soon. In the very next moment he came and sat in the seat in front of me. What the hell was I thinking? It did feel nice when he did so but it made it hurtful as well. Crap.
"What do you want?" I asked with a little bit of frustration in my tone. "I just wanted to apologize" he said with a little tension. "You want apologize for what Rahul?" I inquired. "What are you feeling bad about? For rejecting me before? For being the worst and the best guy at the same time?" I said with an angry and raised voice which made some heads turn towards us. "Nothing" he said in a low voice and sat quietly in front of me. I didn't bother to look at that pleasant and calming face of his. I don't want to, and this time I was happy with my decision. For the first time, I was sure I don't want him anymore. Its done, I'm so over him.
I decided to take the very last glance at his face and I did. To my surprise he was already looking at me. I dont know how but my facial muscles went out of my control and sadness and sympathy took my face. He smiled at me and I couldn't control my heart. He was after all what I always wanted. Yes it was sad and yes I felt depressed but I knew this was it. I had made sure that nothing he could say would now make a difference but now it didn't seem to matter.
Suddenly his phone rang, he looked frustrated yet he picked up the phone. "Yes I'm completely fine, you don't need to worry. Okay. Bye . Yes, I love you." And the call cut but gave me enough time to see the contact name-"Baby". All this made me furious and I took my eyes off of him. Enough I thought. I can't do this. A huge streak of jealousy ran through my spine and why wouldn't I be jealous? Tears filled my eyes. Even though I wanted to say so much to him, now I didn't want to say a word. The world is a cruel place and crueler are its people and cruelest are those who tolerate!
