Once again I hit play, lock my phone and lie down in the
company of myself. Alone again, all by myself and the song starts. I have lost
the count of the number of times I have played this song on repeat, but I do
remember it was snowing when this routine started and now today, rain drops are
washing down my pane getting dispersed over it only to reach the windowsill
where they reunite. I suppose you can say, seasons have passed and maybe years
too. The song starts with a peaceful yet such a strong melody before the artist
begins to speak his mind like I am about to. As I lie down, the melody playing
in the background, I think about you and replay the best of our times. The
singer has begun the oration of his story quite like mine, remembering all the
good parts of it then he takes a pause, and pain, regrets and despair is
reflected from his words. In my words, he means to say that even after it all,
even if he is a plant planted miles apart, he’ll keep growing closer to his
beloved. That line, that god forsaken line is the reason I’m even alive today
because even though you’re not here anymore it inspires me to act, to pretend
to be the amazing person I was once to get closer to you. The raindrops are now
falling faster, stronger than ever and I remember that it’s been a while since
I’ve went out in the rain getting soaked. I continue to pay attention back to
my song, the second verse has begun, and yet I am waiting for a second verse to
my story but sadly, I have come to the decision that it doesn’t exist, maybe
mine is an incomplete story and it has to be since you’re not here to complete
it, but I don’t mind, I’ve gotten used to the monotony of my life, I no longer
seek variables.
I lay listening to the raindrops in the background, that have
oddly caught on to the symphony of the song playing beside me, maybe it’s a
sign? Maybe I’m losing my mind! Who knows? I look at the ceiling, then close my
eyes, and I see you, holding my hand, kissing me on my head, squeezing my hand
while crossing roads, giving me your leftovers because you’re too full and
can’t see the food go waste, putting your legs over mine when you know I don’t like
that, coming home late but always making up for it with flowers and chocolates,
spoiling me like a little child. When they said that it’s the little things
that stay I never believed them, but look at me now, experiencing the reruns of
those little things like a movie that one plays again and again because it
gives them something they aspire for, something they don’t have, some parts of
life, this song and the array of your memories gives me life, more than I am
ready to admit.
The chorus hits me again after the second verse, I feel a slight
uneasiness within me, I know the song’s about to end, why it has been worrying
me I do not know but I guess it has become my ‘normal’ nowadays. Endings
do that to me now, I change the songs right before they’re about to end, change
channels right before a movie is about to end and like an infant I keep the
characters alive in my mind not even knowing whether or not they die in the
end, what has become of me love? What have you done? Why did you choose to
leave? You were so good that I guess that God wanted to keep you all to
himself. And like the story teller of this beautiful melody that’s almost about
to end, I keep on going, keep on growing not taking into consideration of what
has happened, but what I have to do, and darling you should know, I’d do
anything for you and somewhere up above you know it’s true. I remember how I would
run out to our backyard to get wet in the rain and how you would do everything
in your power to first keep me from getting wet and then to keep me from
getting sick. Even though people tell me that I need to move on, how I can I
forget all of our memories because I know two things for certain, 1.) I’ll keep
searching for someone like you and 2.) I won’t find that someone.
Every time this thought comes to me, I think to myself that maybe I didn’t
deserve you, not then, not now and not in the future, that you were given to me
by mistake and that is the reason why they had to take you away from me before
I got attached to you, but I did, I got too attached, too addicted to you.
The end melody of the song plays, my restlessness escalates
like never before, but I for one cannot muster enough strength to stop the
song, or the change it. The end melody plays slowing telling me ‘what
begins, needs to end, and you need to accept it’. The song stops playing
now, but before I could swallow the big lump of hurt building in my throat, the
song starts again, the flashes reappear from the beginning as the pleasing and
irreplaceable melody hits my ears once again, and I start going through the
feelings all over again as I fall asleep to the music now fading away in the
background.
