I pull up my dairy, take out my favorite ink pen and pulling
the comforter over me, I begin to write it all down.
Dear you,
It hasn’t
been long since we’re together again, and I haven’t been that comfortable with
you yet to call you mine and I know neither have you been. I write to you today
one of my many goodbyes, such you’ve received in texts before but this one’s
special, hence the theatrics, the old pen and paper, in my opinion, I have
always preferred this but I didn’t see you as the kind to be affected, touched
or even impressed. You’re my poison, my drug, you have been for the past
several years but sadly no more. I’ve decided to quit. Now, I’m not a quitter
but a fighter and I want you to know I’ve fought, every time, for you, for me,
for us but I’ve recently realized that some battles yield no results no matter
how strong you were, these are the kind of battles that shouldn’t be fought.
‘We’ were that battle and I find my simple pleasure knowing to myself that I
fought with all my might and there’s nothing that I’d do any differently given
a chance to. As absurd and useless this may be seeming to you, just bear with
me I swear I’ll end this ordeal soon, it’s not like I’ll keep writing this
letter to you till infinity, but I know one thing for certain, that I’m tired
of fighting and I don’t want to do it anymore. I don’t want to live fighting
forever till in the end we realize it doesn’t work out at all. I can live my
life happily forever wanting you, remembering you rather than living in pain with
you.
Sometimes,
there are tough decisions to be made that only seem tough because deep down
inside us we know the solution and we know it’s bitter, indigestible,
nauseating and hurtful, this is one of those decisions. We’re not meant for
each other, we never have been and we never will be but you have resorted to
deny that fact indefinitely. For years I’ve believed in the truth that it was
someone else you were looking for in me, and for a long time, I pretended to
maybe be that someone to you but that’s not the way to live or the reason to be
together neither for you nor for me. I usually would ask you right here whether
you think I am right. I’d ask you “don’t you think it’s the right thing to do?”
But I won’t because I’ve decided to stop asking for your opinions in order to
structure my decisions, I’ve been doing this for so long that it feels uncanny
now but I know I’ll get used to it, I will have to!
I
sincerely hope that you find someone who loves you and more importantly someone
whom you love back and live happily for whenever your forever exists, as for
me, I believe that somewhere far away, there’s someone waiting for me, and I
will be happier for however long my forever exists. I have to tell you, I’m not
afraid if I don’t find him so please you too stay strong if you are unable to
find someone for yourself because it’s going to be very hard, and if it’s
tough, it’s the right thing because nothing good enough comes easy and if it
comes easy, it isn’t right. You’d get that I know, you’re quite smart. So just
hold on. I’m going to end this letter here otherwise I’d go on forever. I don’t
want to leave you with an 18-page letter front and back like Rachel did for
Ross because that would mean you’re my lobster, but sadly not.
-Manisha.
