A LETTER TO MY LOVER.

 

I pull up my dairy, take out my favorite ink pen and pulling the comforter over me, I begin to write it all down.

Dear you,

It hasn’t been long since we’re together again, and I haven’t been that comfortable with you yet to call you mine and I know neither have you been. I write to you today one of my many goodbyes, such you’ve received in texts before but this one’s special, hence the theatrics, the old pen and paper, in my opinion, I have always preferred this but I didn’t see you as the kind to be affected, touched or even impressed. You’re my poison, my drug, you have been for the past several years but sadly no more. I’ve decided to quit. Now, I’m not a quitter but a fighter and I want you to know I’ve fought, every time, for you, for me, for us but I’ve recently realized that some battles yield no results no matter how strong you were, these are the kind of battles that shouldn’t be fought. ‘We’ were that battle and I find my simple pleasure knowing to myself that I fought with all my might and there’s nothing that I’d do any differently given a chance to. As absurd and useless this may be seeming to you, just bear with me I swear I’ll end this ordeal soon, it’s not like I’ll keep writing this letter to you till infinity, but I know one thing for certain, that I’m tired of fighting and I don’t want to do it anymore. I don’t want to live fighting forever till in the end we realize it doesn’t work out at all. I can live my life happily forever wanting you, remembering you rather than living in pain with you.

Sometimes, there are tough decisions to be made that only seem tough because deep down inside us we know the solution and we know it’s bitter, indigestible, nauseating and hurtful, this is one of those decisions. We’re not meant for each other, we never have been and we never will be but you have resorted to deny that fact indefinitely. For years I’ve believed in the truth that it was someone else you were looking for in me, and for a long time, I pretended to maybe be that someone to you but that’s not the way to live or the reason to be together neither for you nor for me. I usually would ask you right here whether you think I am right. I’d ask you “don’t you think it’s the right thing to do?” But I won’t because I’ve decided to stop asking for your opinions in order to structure my decisions, I’ve been doing this for so long that it feels uncanny now but I know I’ll get used to it, I will have to!

I sincerely hope that you find someone who loves you and more importantly someone whom you love back and live happily for whenever your forever exists, as for me, I believe that somewhere far away, there’s someone waiting for me, and I will be happier for however long my forever exists. I have to tell you, I’m not afraid if I don’t find him so please you too stay strong if you are unable to find someone for yourself because it’s going to be very hard, and if it’s tough, it’s the right thing because nothing good enough comes easy and if it comes easy, it isn’t right. You’d get that I know, you’re quite smart. So just hold on. I’m going to end this letter here otherwise I’d go on forever. I don’t want to leave you with an 18-page letter front and back like Rachel did for Ross because that would mean you’re my lobster, but sadly not.

-Manisha.

 

ETERNITIES AND YOU.

 Sarah: What if we get sick of each other?

Nyles: We’re already sick of each other, it’s the best!

(Above excerpt from Palm Springs-2020)

 

It’s not like I’ve never thought of what would happen if I were stuck in a time loop, where every day would be the same, the same waking up alone in the bed, the same morning routine, the same menial tasks, the ones I did yesterday and the ones I’ll be doing tomorrow. It’s not like I haven’t given a thought of what I would do. I most probably would be trying out different ways to kill myself every day because I know I would not be able to live in that kind of life; I’m not made to live a constant life. Maybe I’d have my share of fun in the beginning, going places I’ve never been before, wearing clothes I haven’t before, possessing things I haven’t had before and even after having everything I ever wanted, the night would fall, the clock would reset and I would wake up again, in the same bed, alone.

I could although live an entire lifetime, a million repeats with you by my side, holding me close, wiping my tears before they’d even roll down my cheeks, having your arms around me with your hand in mine. I would feel honored to have been stuck in this loop with you. And even though we would be waking up every day in our different beds, maybe miles away, I would still run to you at an instant because even though I would have a lifetime with you, I wouldn’t want to waste even a single minute when you’re not by my side. But I’ll always be afraid, afraid that you’d get sick of me, sick of my voice, my touch, my skin, my lips, my hands in yours, I’m afraid you’d get sick of me but I’d still run to you every morning, because I would never get sick of you.

I’m afraid you’d wake up one day and want to get out of this ordeal and would search for ways to get out and I would be helpless enough to let you go. Because that’s what love is right? Letting go? And even if you’d want to get out, I’ll follow you because being alone right is still better that being alone stuck in a day that would only repeat itself.

 I’ve come to a conclusion that in a way we’re nothing but imperfect fools stuck in a cycle of extraordinary expectations. I mean think of it? Instead of having a single day repeat over and over again we’ve got entire lifetimes repeating on us. And the worst part? We don’t remember a single thing from our past, we live maybe the same, maybe different lives over and over again on loops without having even a single idea of our previous ones. I’m not complaining, even if I was, it means nothing I’m just an insignificant point in a multitude of 7.8 billion people, on a planet among 7 others in a solar system out of more than 500 solar systems in a galaxy called Milky way out of an estimate of 2 million - 2 trillion in a universe out of how many even Google doesn’t know.

But I know, I'd always be happy with you.

"SOMETHING HAPPY"

Almost everyone that reads my ill-formed, unruly lines has to say “why do you always write something sad? Why don’t you write about something happy?” I can handle people pointing out grammatical errors or an irrational connotation but pointing out my eternal loneliness and monotonous life, well, take this passage as my response to those that probably haven’t written anything in their lives.

I sat down finally, under peer pressure to write about something happy, something delightful and it got me wondering what happiness is to me? What is happiness to others? Moreover, what is happiness by itself, without belonging to someone. So I fired up google and searched ‘happiness’, google being the twisted, quirky ass it is responded with a very simple and clear cut five-word answer ‘the state of being happy’. With that road blocked, I google ‘happy’ and literally the first thing that comes up is Pharrell Williams’ song Happy, funny. Realizing I’m not going to get any help from google or that it has finally become that smart to study our online behavior and display results accordingly, because I know I’ve spent hours searching songs than googling abstract feelings such as love, happiness, etc.

I think to myself what is happiness to me, what makes me happy, and to my surprise it doesn’t take me long to answer myself. Happiness to me is the shade of the ever-blue sky changing colors to bid adieu to the sun every time it sets and welcome it every morning when it rises, happiness to me is my favorite tree in front of my house blooming to decorate my otherwise dull existence, it is the feeling of my bare feet on the grass after it rains, when cold water drops fall from up above finally rest on the delicate swirls of the grass, it is the way an infant looks at me, scares the hell out of me, it seems as though their tiny shiny eyes filled with curiosity can look deep within my soul, see through my flesh and bones, sometimes giving me hope to go on and about my life. It is the silence of the nights, the calm rustling of the wind, it is the feeling of cold water going in my stomach on a warm dry day, it is the crisp crunch of dry leaves when walked on. Happiness is the starry night sky with the moon gleaming bright, it is a text from a friend when I’m down on my knees. Happiness is knowing I’ve got amazing people in my life, it is the smallest effort he makes for me, how he plays with my hair, how he makes me smile, it is also how I love him knowing he’d never love me back.

Happiness is a warped, sick and a highly tempting illusion that we have generated for ourselves to keep us from going crazy, keep us from killing ourselves, to have a little order in this chaotic world, to give the people a ray of momentary sunshine, until the world hits them again, and again, and again, till they either give up or cease to exist. You say I don’t write happy things, well in real life happy doesn’t exist just like fairies, dragons, mermaids, genies and giants….do you see where this is going? I hope you do. And even though I know it’s simply an illusion, it would never end, this is the kind of deception that everyone yearns for, some die trying to achieve it but fail.

Happiness is nothing but being satisfied with whatever your ‘hell’ is, it is the mere acceptance of your ill fate, your ungodly conditions, your empty life, your lowly stature and the plain realization of the truth that you might live and die an ordinary life and it is the fact that that’s completely magnificent in itself!

Summer Settlement

The summer has left,

settled elsewhere.

Somewhere where probably my lover exists.

A pre-planned, pre-decided separation.

On the other end, winter's clutches on the

unwelcomed welcome seem closer kicking autumn

on its arse to leave just like autumn kicked summer's.

 

And now,

 winter blows its whistle letting his cool breeze out

wreathing around me, entrapping me, making me feel helpless.

But after this ordeal,

comes the best of them all.

Giving a new chance, to improve, to correct and to fulfill; the spring.

 

And after the spring my dear summer, you will be welcomed again.

Welcomed again by loose cotton clothes,

cold drinks and ice creams and smiling flowers brightening your path.

You will be welcomed again only to go back to the place you go every June.

And if by chance, but the slightest chance you meet my lover,

be back soon to let me know!

My Unsung Melody

Once again I hit play, lock my phone and lie down in the company of myself. Alone again, all by myself and the song starts. I have lost the count of the number of times I have played this song on repeat, but I do remember it was snowing when this routine started and now today, rain drops are washing down my pane getting dispersed over it only to reach the windowsill where they reunite. I suppose you can say, seasons have passed and maybe years too. The song starts with a peaceful yet such a strong melody before the artist begins to speak his mind like I am about to. As I lie down, the melody playing in the background, I think about you and replay the best of our times. The singer has begun the oration of his story quite like mine, remembering all the good parts of it then he takes a pause, and pain, regrets and despair is reflected from his words. In my words, he means to say that even after it all, even if he is a plant planted miles apart, he’ll keep growing closer to his beloved. That line, that god forsaken line is the reason I’m even alive today because even though you’re not here anymore it inspires me to act, to pretend to be the amazing person I was once to get closer to you. The raindrops are now falling faster, stronger than ever and I remember that it’s been a while since I’ve went out in the rain getting soaked. I continue to pay attention back to my song, the second verse has begun, and yet I am waiting for a second verse to my story but sadly, I have come to the decision that it doesn’t exist, maybe mine is an incomplete story and it has to be since you’re not here to complete it, but I don’t mind, I’ve gotten used to the monotony of my life, I no longer seek variables.

I lay listening to the raindrops in the background, that have oddly caught on to the symphony of the song playing beside me, maybe it’s a sign? Maybe I’m losing my mind! Who knows? I look at the ceiling, then close my eyes, and I see you, holding my hand, kissing me on my head, squeezing my hand while crossing roads, giving me your leftovers because you’re too full and can’t see the food go waste, putting your legs over mine when you know I don’t like that, coming home late but always making up for it with flowers and chocolates, spoiling me like a little child. When they said that it’s the little things that stay I never believed them, but look at me now, experiencing the reruns of those little things like a movie that one plays again and again because it gives them something they aspire for, something they don’t have, some parts of life, this song and the array of your memories gives me life, more than I am ready to admit.

The chorus hits me again after the second verse, I feel a slight uneasiness within me, I know the song’s about to end, why it has been worrying me I do not know but I guess it has become my ‘normal’ nowadays. Endings do that to me now, I change the songs right before they’re about to end, change channels right before a movie is about to end and like an infant I keep the characters alive in my mind not even knowing whether or not they die in the end, what has become of me love? What have you done? Why did you choose to leave? You were so good that I guess that God wanted to keep you all to himself. And like the story teller of this beautiful melody that’s almost about to end, I keep on going, keep on growing not taking into consideration of what has happened, but what I have to do, and darling you should know, I’d do anything for you and somewhere up above you know it’s true. I remember how I would run out to our backyard to get wet in the rain and how you would do everything in your power to first keep me from getting wet and then to keep me from getting sick. Even though people tell me that I need to move on, how I can I forget all of our memories because I know two things for certain, 1.) I’ll keep searching for someone like you and 2.) I won’t find that someone. Every time this thought comes to me, I think to myself that maybe I didn’t deserve you, not then, not now and not in the future, that you were given to me by mistake and that is the reason why they had to take you away from me before I got attached to you, but I did, I got too attached, too addicted to you.

The end melody of the song plays, my restlessness escalates like never before, but I for one cannot muster enough strength to stop the song, or the change it. The end melody plays slowing telling me ‘what begins, needs to end, and you need to accept it’. The song stops playing now, but before I could swallow the big lump of hurt building in my throat, the song starts again, the flashes reappear from the beginning as the pleasing and irreplaceable melody hits my ears once again, and I start going through the feelings all over again as I fall asleep to the music now fading away in the background.