Happy New Year!

 

Well here I am again, after attempting to avoid my gut twisting and world wrenching feelings they seem to have caught me again, they always do, or maybe I get tired of running away from them, after all they’re a part of me..

So readers how you’ve been? Any new year, new me crap? Yeah that shit never lasts, new year resolutions are like the nights, they seem fun, moments of opportunity, giving you the power to be someone, someone you’re not today, someone you want to be, but as soon as you start to settle into the nights, you hear the crisp chirping of the birds, the curtain edges revealing the morning rays and you know it’s over, and being the naive people we are struck with hope, we do it again and again even the times we don’t want to admit we have. There is something about new year’s, it’s strange but lives would be so different had every day been Jan 01.

I haven’t written in a while have been trying to avoid it, nothing good ever comes out of it, for some reason I tend to get unbearably sad that neither can I nor people around me can handle or want to handle or have the time to handle. We’re in the fast lane now, opportunities coming at the speed of light, those missed would never return. Imagine sitting on the terrace, chilling winter breeze blowing and you’re watching the stars, you’re cold, shivering but you know for a fact you can’t look away because you might miss that one broken celestial part that would make all your wishes come true, everything you’ve ever wanted in the blink of an eye, brings peace to think about it doesn’t it? All those worries for split second they disappear to a deep dark ditch, you feel free, satisfied and content till you open your eyes, realize it’s still cold, still dark, still windy and still empty like it’s always been.

I hope all of you are okay, are trying your best, are fighting whatever your demons are. I’ll see you again, some other night when I wouldn’t be able to escape these feelings of mine, writing to you hoping that maybe these absolutely meaningless and helpless words of mine reach to you well.

-Manisha

 

To THE END.

 put me to sleep, give me a pill,
can't let these worries overfill.

give me a shot, give me anything,

can't bear the pain you bring.

push a knife right in my heart,

a broken and useless part.

stab me, wrap me with barbed wire,

I can't live with these feelings dire.

put these unsettling thoughts of mine at peace, 

not to pause, but to cease.

but whatever you do my love,

help me get the calm I dream of!

Why Endings are the best part of Something..

Things end, sometimes in our favor sometimes against us and that’s the only thing that’s binding us together. More than anything else, endings give a sense of certainty that’s nowhere present in our journeys. Even though the uncertainty present in our journeys is exciting, filled with twists and turns and ups and downs, endings have serenity, peace and a calm that it’s all over.

Endings hurt sometimes, they could be the worst thing to happen but the thing about endings is that it will occur for sure, it’s a repetitively occurring incident. Imagine a world without endings? Can you imagine the chaos, the hardships that would follow? Imagine being stuck in a cycle that would never end? If you feel down, or troubled by the endings just remember how much power you have to decide the end. The constant efforts you’re putting into being a better person, at the end of those efforts look at what a beautiful and self-loving person there would be. Think of endings as the outcomes of your constant efforts, rather than the mere cease of something.

Endings can be beginnings too, if you ever have encounter a sad ending, or ever had to say one last goodbye to someone, remember it is nothing but the beginning of something good. Keep in mind all the good things that happened, or the good times you had together and let go of those that hurt.

Endings give us hope that one day you might be where today you want to be and if you are not, you need to be proud of the person you’ve become in the process. We never know where we belong, ending provides us with that belonging. And lastly I would say endings are beautiful too because they’re wholesome and heartwarming, goodbyes even if they hurt are kind, filled with love and hope, a hope of meeting again someday.

And no matter what one says or thinks, there’s always a perfect ending waiting for all of us. :)

A LETTER TO MY LOVER.

 

I pull up my dairy, take out my favorite ink pen and pulling the comforter over me, I begin to write it all down.

Dear you,

It hasn’t been long since we’re together again, and I haven’t been that comfortable with you yet to call you mine and I know neither have you been. I write to you today one of my many goodbyes, such you’ve received in texts before but this one’s special, hence the theatrics, the old pen and paper, in my opinion, I have always preferred this but I didn’t see you as the kind to be affected, touched or even impressed. You’re my poison, my drug, you have been for the past several years but sadly no more. I’ve decided to quit. Now, I’m not a quitter but a fighter and I want you to know I’ve fought, every time, for you, for me, for us but I’ve recently realized that some battles yield no results no matter how strong you were, these are the kind of battles that shouldn’t be fought. ‘We’ were that battle and I find my simple pleasure knowing to myself that I fought with all my might and there’s nothing that I’d do any differently given a chance to. As absurd and useless this may be seeming to you, just bear with me I swear I’ll end this ordeal soon, it’s not like I’ll keep writing this letter to you till infinity, but I know one thing for certain, that I’m tired of fighting and I don’t want to do it anymore. I don’t want to live fighting forever till in the end we realize it doesn’t work out at all. I can live my life happily forever wanting you, remembering you rather than living in pain with you.

Sometimes, there are tough decisions to be made that only seem tough because deep down inside us we know the solution and we know it’s bitter, indigestible, nauseating and hurtful, this is one of those decisions. We’re not meant for each other, we never have been and we never will be but you have resorted to deny that fact indefinitely. For years I’ve believed in the truth that it was someone else you were looking for in me, and for a long time, I pretended to maybe be that someone to you but that’s not the way to live or the reason to be together neither for you nor for me. I usually would ask you right here whether you think I am right. I’d ask you “don’t you think it’s the right thing to do?” But I won’t because I’ve decided to stop asking for your opinions in order to structure my decisions, I’ve been doing this for so long that it feels uncanny now but I know I’ll get used to it, I will have to!

I sincerely hope that you find someone who loves you and more importantly someone whom you love back and live happily for whenever your forever exists, as for me, I believe that somewhere far away, there’s someone waiting for me, and I will be happier for however long my forever exists. I have to tell you, I’m not afraid if I don’t find him so please you too stay strong if you are unable to find someone for yourself because it’s going to be very hard, and if it’s tough, it’s the right thing because nothing good enough comes easy and if it comes easy, it isn’t right. You’d get that I know, you’re quite smart. So just hold on. I’m going to end this letter here otherwise I’d go on forever. I don’t want to leave you with an 18-page letter front and back like Rachel did for Ross because that would mean you’re my lobster, but sadly not.

-Manisha.