To THE END.

 put me to sleep, give me a pill,
can't let these worries overfill.

give me a shot, give me anything,

can't bear the pain you bring.

push a knife right in my heart,

a broken and useless part.

stab me, wrap me with barbed wire,

I can't live with these feelings dire.

put these unsettling thoughts of mine at peace, 

not to pause, but to cease.

but whatever you do my love,

help me get the calm I dream of!

Why Endings are the best part of Something..

Things end, sometimes in our favor sometimes against us and that’s the only thing that’s binding us together. More than anything else, endings give a sense of certainty that’s nowhere present in our journeys. Even though the uncertainty present in our journeys is exciting, filled with twists and turns and ups and downs, endings have serenity, peace and a calm that it’s all over.

Endings hurt sometimes, they could be the worst thing to happen but the thing about endings is that it will occur for sure, it’s a repetitively occurring incident. Imagine a world without endings? Can you imagine the chaos, the hardships that would follow? Imagine being stuck in a cycle that would never end? If you feel down, or troubled by the endings just remember how much power you have to decide the end. The constant efforts you’re putting into being a better person, at the end of those efforts look at what a beautiful and self-loving person there would be. Think of endings as the outcomes of your constant efforts, rather than the mere cease of something.

Endings can be beginnings too, if you ever have encounter a sad ending, or ever had to say one last goodbye to someone, remember it is nothing but the beginning of something good. Keep in mind all the good things that happened, or the good times you had together and let go of those that hurt.

Endings give us hope that one day you might be where today you want to be and if you are not, you need to be proud of the person you’ve become in the process. We never know where we belong, ending provides us with that belonging. And lastly I would say endings are beautiful too because they’re wholesome and heartwarming, goodbyes even if they hurt are kind, filled with love and hope, a hope of meeting again someday.

And no matter what one says or thinks, there’s always a perfect ending waiting for all of us. :)

A LETTER TO MY LOVER.

 

I pull up my dairy, take out my favorite ink pen and pulling the comforter over me, I begin to write it all down.

Dear you,

It hasn’t been long since we’re together again, and I haven’t been that comfortable with you yet to call you mine and I know neither have you been. I write to you today one of my many goodbyes, such you’ve received in texts before but this one’s special, hence the theatrics, the old pen and paper, in my opinion, I have always preferred this but I didn’t see you as the kind to be affected, touched or even impressed. You’re my poison, my drug, you have been for the past several years but sadly no more. I’ve decided to quit. Now, I’m not a quitter but a fighter and I want you to know I’ve fought, every time, for you, for me, for us but I’ve recently realized that some battles yield no results no matter how strong you were, these are the kind of battles that shouldn’t be fought. ‘We’ were that battle and I find my simple pleasure knowing to myself that I fought with all my might and there’s nothing that I’d do any differently given a chance to. As absurd and useless this may be seeming to you, just bear with me I swear I’ll end this ordeal soon, it’s not like I’ll keep writing this letter to you till infinity, but I know one thing for certain, that I’m tired of fighting and I don’t want to do it anymore. I don’t want to live fighting forever till in the end we realize it doesn’t work out at all. I can live my life happily forever wanting you, remembering you rather than living in pain with you.

Sometimes, there are tough decisions to be made that only seem tough because deep down inside us we know the solution and we know it’s bitter, indigestible, nauseating and hurtful, this is one of those decisions. We’re not meant for each other, we never have been and we never will be but you have resorted to deny that fact indefinitely. For years I’ve believed in the truth that it was someone else you were looking for in me, and for a long time, I pretended to maybe be that someone to you but that’s not the way to live or the reason to be together neither for you nor for me. I usually would ask you right here whether you think I am right. I’d ask you “don’t you think it’s the right thing to do?” But I won’t because I’ve decided to stop asking for your opinions in order to structure my decisions, I’ve been doing this for so long that it feels uncanny now but I know I’ll get used to it, I will have to!

I sincerely hope that you find someone who loves you and more importantly someone whom you love back and live happily for whenever your forever exists, as for me, I believe that somewhere far away, there’s someone waiting for me, and I will be happier for however long my forever exists. I have to tell you, I’m not afraid if I don’t find him so please you too stay strong if you are unable to find someone for yourself because it’s going to be very hard, and if it’s tough, it’s the right thing because nothing good enough comes easy and if it comes easy, it isn’t right. You’d get that I know, you’re quite smart. So just hold on. I’m going to end this letter here otherwise I’d go on forever. I don’t want to leave you with an 18-page letter front and back like Rachel did for Ross because that would mean you’re my lobster, but sadly not.

-Manisha.

 

ETERNITIES AND YOU.

 Sarah: What if we get sick of each other?

Nyles: We’re already sick of each other, it’s the best!

(Above excerpt from Palm Springs-2020)

 

It’s not like I’ve never thought of what would happen if I were stuck in a time loop, where every day would be the same, the same waking up alone in the bed, the same morning routine, the same menial tasks, the ones I did yesterday and the ones I’ll be doing tomorrow. It’s not like I haven’t given a thought of what I would do. I most probably would be trying out different ways to kill myself every day because I know I would not be able to live in that kind of life; I’m not made to live a constant life. Maybe I’d have my share of fun in the beginning, going places I’ve never been before, wearing clothes I haven’t before, possessing things I haven’t had before and even after having everything I ever wanted, the night would fall, the clock would reset and I would wake up again, in the same bed, alone.

I could although live an entire lifetime, a million repeats with you by my side, holding me close, wiping my tears before they’d even roll down my cheeks, having your arms around me with your hand in mine. I would feel honored to have been stuck in this loop with you. And even though we would be waking up every day in our different beds, maybe miles away, I would still run to you at an instant because even though I would have a lifetime with you, I wouldn’t want to waste even a single minute when you’re not by my side. But I’ll always be afraid, afraid that you’d get sick of me, sick of my voice, my touch, my skin, my lips, my hands in yours, I’m afraid you’d get sick of me but I’d still run to you every morning, because I would never get sick of you.

I’m afraid you’d wake up one day and want to get out of this ordeal and would search for ways to get out and I would be helpless enough to let you go. Because that’s what love is right? Letting go? And even if you’d want to get out, I’ll follow you because being alone right is still better that being alone stuck in a day that would only repeat itself.

 I’ve come to a conclusion that in a way we’re nothing but imperfect fools stuck in a cycle of extraordinary expectations. I mean think of it? Instead of having a single day repeat over and over again we’ve got entire lifetimes repeating on us. And the worst part? We don’t remember a single thing from our past, we live maybe the same, maybe different lives over and over again on loops without having even a single idea of our previous ones. I’m not complaining, even if I was, it means nothing I’m just an insignificant point in a multitude of 7.8 billion people, on a planet among 7 others in a solar system out of more than 500 solar systems in a galaxy called Milky way out of an estimate of 2 million - 2 trillion in a universe out of how many even Google doesn’t know.

But I know, I'd always be happy with you.