What has become, from what it was.

 If I could my love, for you I could bring you the stars and the moons of this solar system but even that would merely not even begin to be enough. For you, I would scrape myself skin to bone if that's what was needed but I know that wouldn't be enough.

I miss you, I want you, I want you to kiss me, hold me and abuse me if that's something that would bring you back but I know that wouldn't be enough either. The strong cold wind blew, and lightning presented its laser show with the thunder following shortly after with its magnificent sound show and rain fell, drop by drop covering every inch of me, leaving no part untouched like you once used to and in that moment, that exact moment tears fall. You know how I get when it rains, you've seen me hold my tears and cry when it rained before, you didn't take long to hug me then, what's stopping you now?

I pretend I'm fine but when there are days I hit my lowest there's nothing that I am not willing to give up if it means I get to see you again and given a chance, there's nothing I wouldn't give. I occupy myself with meaningless tasks, with unnecessary conversations and distractions, whatever gets my mind off of you and yes it works, till the point when I am alone for even a second with my thoughts because it's all you. I can't believe it has come to the point where I can't stand a split second with myself without anything or anyone distracting me. And ever since, I've hated everything about me, I have stopped taking pictures because I do not like the way I look, I avoid the mirrors in my house because every time I pass one by and I see a reflection of me, I hate it. If it were up to me I'd shatter every piece of that silver and just roll around in those million pieces as another distraction from you.

You, you wouldn't even do anything. This makes me smile, makes me laugh out loud, so damn loud. You, with your gold medallion and diamond throne simply asking and asking, again and again, one thing after the other knowing well enough that I wouldn't ever deny you anything. You asked me enough, me, myself, my love, my body and then you even asked for my last shred of dignity and I handed it all to you on a silver platter yet it couldn't appease your hunger and could not quench your thirst. And when I had nothing else left to give?

You leave.

And today, years later, I still grieve. That's it, it's gotten better but I still grieve, I still don't trust someone new, I still don't go out, I still cry at nights, I still am afraid to open up to new people, I still don't smile, I still don't give anyone a chance and I push people away.

The misery is, I still wish the best for you, that you get the person of your dreams, that you succeed in life, that you find love and that you smile always. So I do, I do hate myself because I hope good things for someone who fucked me up while I can't hope them for myself. Wind's still just as cold, lightning and thunder still as frightening and rain drops still as sharp as daggers, and me still as broken but trying. And one day I'd be able to stand in front of you with the warmest smile on my face, the kind that stretches all the way to my eyes, and thank you, really from the core of my heart, from the sincerest part of my soul, thank you for leaving, because I sure as hell wasn't going to.