LOVE???

The sad ones are the weak ones.

“She was broken. She didn’t believe in love or anything anymore. She knew she couldn’t trust any guy because they all suck. She put her whole heart out for him, and what he did? He left her when she needed him. She still says I love you to him but she knows that she doesn’t mean it anymore and he says it too but she has no idea how much of it he means as well.”

I don’t choose to believe in the existence of love.

Because it fucking doesn’t exist!!  What do we know about love anyways? “It’s an amazing feeling ….butterflies in the stomach?” Right? Agreed? Well if every individual in this planet is different, then how can all experience the same thing?

Well this ‘phenomena’ is due to cinema. Every time the same scenario…a beautiful girl, handsome guy, chronic problems but then they love each other and the movie ends. Ever noticed about how movies never show what happens next? Well, the audience’s mind understands they live happily and probably die together in a warm bed. Well fucking not!  Just a simple question….do you ever before or after a romantic comedy or plain romantic movie see a screen
, any screen that says “BASED ON TRUE EVENTS?”

Fucking not!!! The only movies with screens reading that are ‘horror movies’. Think about it…..

They probably get married, live together, think they have figured it all out, and then? Then reality seeps in…the love fades out, probably end up getting divorced. Then they wonder what happened!

Love is a big joke. Trust no one, love no one, and stay happy.

Love is nothing. Yes some people actually are together till forever but only some. Love is rare and I respect and honor those who have figured it out. To the rest:-

Love is a fucking waste of time, it doesn’t exist so…

(to girls) stop expecting or imagining that a prince charming is gonna come and save your ass from your miserable fucking life and take you to a place where you both live fucking happily ever after.

(to guys) do not imagine you’re gonna bump into a girl and help her pick up her fucking books and look into her fucking eyes and fall in fucking love.

So with respect to my first few lines….

She was broken? He fucking broke her, love fucking broke her.

She didn’t believe in love anymore? Bitch should have never!!!!!!!

She knew she couldn’t trust any guy because they all suck? Hell yah! They’re all suckers!!

If this doesn’t make you change your fucking mind about love….then go ahead.

Fall in love and then see for yourself when he/ she leaves you for someone better looking (or richer now a days), when he/she says she doesn’t love you anymore, when he/she turns out to be a dick or when he/ she doesn’t support you.

The only outcome of love is sleepless nights when you cry yourself to sleep…when next day you have red eyes. Times when nothing seems right, nothing seems worth it. Times when you give up on life, when you feel that nothing matters.

Love is a trap. When it appears, we see only its light, not its shadows.

Two halves, fused together.

“My melting point is the sweet words that come out of your mouth.” She began to write the letter with a pen in the era of digital messages. 

“You’re that indescribable part of my life that I do not chose to ever forget or lose. We were like two broken pieces that had fused together, to become a whole again. Hope we never break and live our lives as halves because you know darling, having your other half with you makes life much simpler! You’re that other half of mine that completes me, makes me realize what I had been missing in all those years before I met you.

From all your stupid things you said to me to saying ‘I love you”, you grew.

From sharing things with you to sharing a life with you, I grew.

From being ‘best friends forever’ to ‘lovers forever’, we grew.

All the time I look back, I see how amazingly deep we were in pain and thought things would never change and now, I see how things between us have changed unimaginably!

You saw me, you saw my soul, the real me. The ‘me’ I always kept deep inside, hidden from everyone. You saw my pain, my smile, my laughter, my tears and every other thing. No one knew me the way you did and even now, no one knows me the way you do! You were there when everyone left and over the years, I still see you with me. I must have done something pretty good to deserve someone like you, and you my dear, would have done something terribly awful to have someone like me destined for you. Every morning I get up and thank God for you. I am immeasurably sorry for saying all those mean and rude things I said whenever I lost my temper (eight years and I still do!).

You’re my drug, I’m addicted to you! I crave for you, more and more everyday as I still desire to explore every inch of you, as I still want to know every piece of you. Even after writing so much I still am not at all satisfied, I feel that there is no right set of words that can describe you, or your role and place in my life. You came to my pitch black life and enlightened it with merely your presence. The first day, I do not seem to reckon, but what I do is that you have not only changed my life since then but me too!

Love you to an unnamed planet infinite lightyears away and back. I MISS YOU!                

-Yours always, Marie.                                                                                                 

Marie then sensibly folded the letter and placed it under her pillow in a white envelope. The very next day she got up early, acknowledged the presence of the white envelope under her pillow and engaged herself in the early morning chores. At quarter to noon when she was ready, she picked up the envelope and got a bouquet of white lilies: his favorite, she thought as she reached his place.

“I would have e-mailed all this but then I thought you always preferred letters. And then again, giving it personally gave me a good excuse to see you and I didn’t want to miss that!” she said with a sad smile as she lay the white envelope and the bouquet of white lilies on his grave.

And as the mild spring breeze blew, he showered her with the flowers of the tree he was beneath. Just like she said in her letter, he really was that indescribable part of her life.

My Myriad Affection

Between the shining stars, my moon shimmers. Upon his holy soul my thoughts run in an endless array. The closer I am, the more hurt is felt and feelings residing in both are like secrets untold. Care-he never knew and hatred, I. The going got tougher and people said “when the going gets tough, the tough gets going” but it never did. And a day came when I had to go and I did, and never saw his lovely face again. Until now when my dreams are colored with his and my memories together and tears; this always followed next.

The distance crumbled and tore me apart whereas he was as unaffected, as affected as, I was. My pictures are dark and hurtful now and sorrow has filled my land. I prayed to God to vanish my pain whereas secretly I was simply praying for him.

Days passed with no contact at all and I accepted my seclusion only to know that the holy spirit had different plans. And plans too different than what I had in my mind. My spirit had been shattered into a zillion pieces which to me seemed could never be glued again until of course he comes back to my life.

He’s the glue which keeps all my pieces together, without whom I’m just shattered parts of a puzzle meaningless till all are joined together. He’s everything I ever need, till the time I die. And even after that, my eyes will long to see him and my fingers, to feel his entangled to mine. I regret how I took our moments together for granted and I wish I could tell him, that he’s the everything that completes me, to tell him I don’t mind ending my life if it meant to save his.

One moment I had everything that one needs, and the other I was left with nothing. The game my life played with me was one hell of a game! 

Untraced and unaffected I planned to be, but like my other plans it failed too. I thought he was the stitches I need to heal my wounds, unfortunately he was the salt being rubbed; dangerous and unwanted! Yet I longed for him and shed tears whereas he was on with someone new. The promises he made to me were being made to someone new and different. But for once I wanna say to him:

“hope this one stays."

Subsistence

Its the finesse of the circle of life
that what comes,goes
be it the dark clouds, heavy rain, or be it me.
I have come and I will go
and there's nothing about it that anyone can do.

But when I'll be gone dear,
don't shed even a single tear,
for, I am not forever gone,
although I'll be unseen from the dawn
but I'll be there!

I will look at you from the sky,
I'll be a star up too high.
Whenever you'll feel down just look up in the shades of blues
and I'll colour your world with happinesses' hues.

When the clouds will cover me,
don't get sad,
I'll show myself again,
within a tick or tad.
because what comes, goes
be it the dark clouds or a beautiful rose.

Just my dear,
Dont shed a tear,
for I will be near,
And you Dont ever have to fear.

This cancer thing has hit me hard,
but I haven't fallen yet.
Oh my love, when I'll go,
Stand and don't fall.
The pain will come to you
but remember my love:-
What comes, goes.

Decisions

Why did I want him to come? Maybe because I liked him before or maybe I still do. I'm not sure, neither do I want to be. Feelings, love, desires, these are complicated things and I'd suggest that its better to stay away from these. But the experience, the experience is what makes it all worth it. The butterflies, the peeping, the hiding, all of it making you alive. The disastrous part is the confussion, the chaos, the pain. It all makes me wonder are the feelings really worth it? Love to me is like a question with no definite answer in return,which we always expect. We try hard to find it but we don't get it and it hurts every time.
what? What seems sane? Moreover what is sane? Love resides in all of us and yes I want to show and feel and live with it but I don't want to get hurt. I don't wanna be crying in my bed staring the ceiling of my room during sleepless nights. I want to love, I want someone to message me good morning and good night every other date. I wish it was all so easy.
The background I share with him is hurtful and I had hoped that our paths never cross, but here i am in the same train as his and with the utmost strength left within me I gave him a smile. The worst thing in all of this is to pretend. To pretend to be fine when you've just been shattered into a million pieces from within.

Only in minutes a message flashes my mobile screen from a number I hardly want to recognize. "You seem fine :)" the message contained. I seem fine? Why? Should I be always in tears for not having you? Won't you like me that way? I thought. "Time passed. I'm pretty fine." I wrote back. Pretty fine? More like pretty not fine. But it was useless telling him that. If a list is created about the things he cares about, people's and specially my feelings won't be on it. It was hard to explain and it is hard to explain but overall I'd say I was rather happy then compared to what I am now. Its hard for me to understand what life wants out of me? What am I destined for?

 "Was nice to see you after so long" he replied. Why? Because it made you realise how good you are? How better you are? What does he want now? Is his stomach not full yet from my pains and sorrows that he seeks more? Or is it that it can never be filled? So many questions and so less answers and so much misery everywhere.
"Same." I replied hoping all this chatting business will be over soon. In the very next moment he came and sat in the seat in front of me. What the hell was I thinking? It did feel nice when he did so but it made it hurtful as well. Crap.
"What do you want?" I asked with a little bit of frustration in my tone. "I just wanted to apologize" he said with a little tension. "You want apologize for what Rahul?" I inquired. "What are you feeling bad about? For rejecting me before? For being the worst and the best guy at the same time?" I said with an angry and raised voice which made some heads turn towards us. "Nothing" he said in a low voice and sat quietly in front of me. I didn't bother to look at that pleasant and calming face of his. I don't want to, and this time I was happy with my decision. For the first time, I was sure I don't want him anymore. Its done, I'm so over him.
I decided to take the very last glance at his face and I did. To my surprise he was already looking at me. I dont know how but my facial muscles went out of my control and sadness and sympathy took my face. He smiled at me and I couldn't control my heart. He was after all what I always wanted. Yes it was sad and yes I felt depressed but I knew this was it. I had made sure that nothing he could say would now make a difference but now it didn't seem to matter.
Suddenly his phone rang, he looked frustrated yet he picked up the phone. "Yes I'm completely fine, you don't need to worry. Okay. Bye . Yes, I love you." And the call cut but gave me enough time to see the contact name-"Baby". All this made me furious and I took my eyes off of him. Enough I thought. I can't do this. A huge streak of jealousy ran through my spine and why wouldn't I be jealous? Tears filled my eyes. Even though I wanted to say so much to him, now I didn't want to say a word. The world is a cruel place and crueler are its people and cruelest are those who tolerate!