An eternity I have lived bound by the shackles of making
sense, making visions, making rhymes but what I am to write is far too
difficult to put into sentences of two and assign a rhyme scheme to it because,
this isn’t some pretty poem of love and whimsical melodies that would be sung,
but a testament of something that even I’m yet to uncover, writing sentence
after sentence of words that next choose to come inside this organ of mine.
I have always been
the one begging someone to stay, as if they were enough to complete my broken
self and in misery I’ve lived for far too long to contemplate that its true:
how merely by the absence of someone I’ve defined myself as incomplete, that
how simply I’ve resorted to a term such as lonely and how bluntly I’ve decided
to believe in it.
I have lived far too long with the undeniable custom of
looking at the stars, as if I were to be looking at myself in the mirror,
searching for answers that I know lie well deep within me, but am too afraid to
look because I know, if I go too deep I might see you there wondering, how long
you’ve been and how much longer you mean to stay, and only wishing I don’t get
the answer to either of the questions quite truthfully because, I know I would
not be able to digest that assortment of information without truly becoming
ill. You do possess the uncharismatic charm of keeping me on my toes, you’ve
had it for years. It had always been magical how my toes would curl up as you
reached deeper and deeper into me, how every cell of mine lighted up when your
lips touched mine, and how I’d be willing to do anything for you if it meant
I’d get to keep you closer even for a single second, yet here I am somehow left
with absolutely nothing other than my memories, now playing back to me like a
film on loop, scene after scene, and it’s all that I see every minute my eyes
are open. I see you on the ceiling of my room night after night in the darkness,
repeating to me the words that you once said to me in flesh, till the only
window in my room fills it with the rays of the dawn. I go about my daily
routine during the day, until I meet you again in the night.
I have engaged myself with the harsh query concerning how
long am I to live my life this way? To hopelessly repeat conversations that over
the time of their repetition are not even the entire truth anymore, but merely
false words of my own that I’ve fed in your mouth getting better and better at
every rerun. I no longer remember the words that you’ve in fact said to me,
maybe because it mattered more to me what you should’ve said rather than what
you did, and upon realization I see how senseless it has been of me to hang
onto you even though you’ve really been so inconsiderate to me. I see now how
my sense of judgement had been clouded by my own fantasies that I had given my
all to you not once, not twice but every single time that you’ve asked. But
strangely instead of being filled with resentment or indeed regret I feel your
need once again. I see how it seems to me that even though my judgement had
been clouded clearly my desires had not. Miserably I still desire for your arms
around me even if it lasts for seconds, I desire for your lips over mine
sucking and biting as if they know nothing else, I desire your hands all over
my body as if they know no other place to reside and I desire for all of you
for as long as I can because in the end the truth is darling that even though
you lie in my heart and I nowhere on you, I still desire that these false
conversations that I have in my mind with you were to be the reality of my life,
how these fictional replays I have of us were actually true, how these
unwritten feelings of mine that cannot be merely typed out or jotted down on
paper, how I actually might be going crazy watching the replays of you kissing
me knowing that in actuality ‘we’ don’t exist and knowing how easy it has been
for you to substitute me because to you I know I have been nothing, and
probably will be nothing for our insignificant eternities.
However, you should know somewhere inside me there shall
always be a burning fire keeping me going through my rough days, through heavy
rains and through scorching days, the burning fire of another truth, a much
simpler and a much more unblemished truth that no matter how far you’ll
go or how deep within you’ll be in someone else you’d never be able to forget
me. I’d love to live believing the mere fact that you’ll be living your days
woman to woman, city to city looking for a truth you wouldn’t know, looking for
a mouth to kiss that you wouldn’t even know how it tastes and looking to hold
someone who wouldn’t be able to hold you back the way you like to be held, looking for
someone who would stroke your hair the way you like it, looking for me in
every other woman and only hoping deep inside your heart that she was me and
till your short forever, you would live in the absence of my presence, until a day comes
when you would too like my present self-have replays of the conversations we
once had in flesh and realizing all that you had said to me and all that you
should have said to me or did not say to me because while I was fixated on your
heart you had been an absolute imbecile to be fixated on other things.
