What has become, from what it was.

 If I could my love, for you I could bring you the stars and the moons of this solar system but even that would merely not even begin to be enough. For you, I would scrape myself skin to bone if that's what was needed but I know that wouldn't be enough.

I miss you, I want you, I want you to kiss me, hold me and abuse me if that's something that would bring you back but I know that wouldn't be enough either. The strong cold wind blew, and lightning presented its laser show with the thunder following shortly after with its magnificent sound show and rain fell, drop by drop covering every inch of me, leaving no part untouched like you once used to and in that moment, that exact moment tears fall. You know how I get when it rains, you've seen me hold my tears and cry when it rained before, you didn't take long to hug me then, what's stopping you now?

I pretend I'm fine but when there are days I hit my lowest there's nothing that I am not willing to give up if it means I get to see you again and given a chance, there's nothing I wouldn't give. I occupy myself with meaningless tasks, with unnecessary conversations and distractions, whatever gets my mind off of you and yes it works, till the point when I am alone for even a second with my thoughts because it's all you. I can't believe it has come to the point where I can't stand a split second with myself without anything or anyone distracting me. And ever since, I've hated everything about me, I have stopped taking pictures because I do not like the way I look, I avoid the mirrors in my house because every time I pass one by and I see a reflection of me, I hate it. If it were up to me I'd shatter every piece of that silver and just roll around in those million pieces as another distraction from you.

You, you wouldn't even do anything. This makes me smile, makes me laugh out loud, so damn loud. You, with your gold medallion and diamond throne simply asking and asking, again and again, one thing after the other knowing well enough that I wouldn't ever deny you anything. You asked me enough, me, myself, my love, my body and then you even asked for my last shred of dignity and I handed it all to you on a silver platter yet it couldn't appease your hunger and could not quench your thirst. And when I had nothing else left to give?

You leave.

And today, years later, I still grieve. That's it, it's gotten better but I still grieve, I still don't trust someone new, I still don't go out, I still cry at nights, I still am afraid to open up to new people, I still don't smile, I still don't give anyone a chance and I push people away.

The misery is, I still wish the best for you, that you get the person of your dreams, that you succeed in life, that you find love and that you smile always. So I do, I do hate myself because I hope good things for someone who fucked me up while I can't hope them for myself. Wind's still just as cold, lightning and thunder still as frightening and rain drops still as sharp as daggers, and me still as broken but trying. And one day I'd be able to stand in front of you with the warmest smile on my face, the kind that stretches all the way to my eyes, and thank you, really from the core of my heart, from the sincerest part of my soul, thank you for leaving, because I sure as hell wasn't going to.

I've Fallen.

Here it is, Summer's over and Fall's back, back to the cold winters I move, spending time in the cold weather just like my heart has been in a while, isn't something new to me.

I've spent cold winters with a cold heart before, but something's changed, there's a small fire within.

Like fallen withered leaves, my withered heart has fallen too, it's been battered and crumbled and just couldn't take it anymore, yet things are different. I feel warm now, the coldness of my heart seems to be seeping out, somewhere over to where it came from.

Things have been different these past few days, I'm laughing, singing, dancing back like I once was long before you, much long before you. I thought I could never go back to being that self again, turns out I was wrong again. I haven't been this happy, this calm or this confident in a while, I can't believe I lost this side of me, mostly you're to be blamed, don't you think?

Ah, never mind the past, I've found peace, hope you have too. Remember my last letter? Not writing this in pen and paper this time, this isn't worth that, I wrote I was done fighting and that was true, I have, I've found contentment in my defeat and so much more. You had been looking for someone in me, I hope you found her, because I write this today since I've found mine. That someone far away who had been waiting for me all this while, he found me. He finally found me, I'm happy he did, this empty cold, withering heart of mine has been lit by him and I tell you, it's much better this way. It feels warm and cozy, feels like sitting in front of the fireplace cozied up in the arms of the person you love, that kind of warmth. It didn't take me long to know who he was and who he would be to me. He's someone more important that anything I've ever had or ever will have.

I've fallen, fallen in love.

To read the letter I am referring check this out: https://hysteriawrites.blogspot.com/2020/09/a-letter-to-my-lover.html

My Lullabies

I write of lost love, of unrequited serenity, 

of guilty pleasures, quick glances, 

of touches and feels

I complete your soul, your desires

by writing mine down.

I write of cravings, nibbles and shorts

that lets you see what I feel, 

that lets you accept what you've denied to.

I fill your voids.

I write of broken things, broken people and broken hearts, 

of scars and wounds that may never fade or heal,

but I give you hope O' dear readers,

that you're not alone in this ordeal, 

I give you peace, calm and music of words, so sleep dearly at nights, 

by my lullabies.

x

The Night

Beware O’ lover,

of these treacherous nights,

blinding eyes with blinding lights.

 

Beware O’ lover,

of its cunning ways,

how steadily it sets and how it behaves.

 

Beware O’ lover,

of the pain it brings,

even when it’s gone, it stings!

 

Beware O’ lover,

of the people that roam,

lost and cheated, looking for ‘home’.

 

Beware O’ lover,

of its magnificent charm,

the night is skilled to disarm.

 

But most of all O’ lover beware,

of its peace and calm handpicked,

the night makes one easily its addict.

Happy New Year!

 

Well here I am again, after attempting to avoid my gut twisting and world wrenching feelings they seem to have caught me again, they always do, or maybe I get tired of running away from them, after all they’re a part of me..

So readers how you’ve been? Any new year, new me crap? Yeah that shit never lasts, new year resolutions are like the nights, they seem fun, moments of opportunity, giving you the power to be someone, someone you’re not today, someone you want to be, but as soon as you start to settle into the nights, you hear the crisp chirping of the birds, the curtain edges revealing the morning rays and you know it’s over, and being the naive people we are struck with hope, we do it again and again even the times we don’t want to admit we have. There is something about new year’s, it’s strange but lives would be so different had every day been Jan 01.

I haven’t written in a while have been trying to avoid it, nothing good ever comes out of it, for some reason I tend to get unbearably sad that neither can I nor people around me can handle or want to handle or have the time to handle. We’re in the fast lane now, opportunities coming at the speed of light, those missed would never return. Imagine sitting on the terrace, chilling winter breeze blowing and you’re watching the stars, you’re cold, shivering but you know for a fact you can’t look away because you might miss that one broken celestial part that would make all your wishes come true, everything you’ve ever wanted in the blink of an eye, brings peace to think about it doesn’t it? All those worries for split second they disappear to a deep dark ditch, you feel free, satisfied and content till you open your eyes, realize it’s still cold, still dark, still windy and still empty like it’s always been.

I hope all of you are okay, are trying your best, are fighting whatever your demons are. I’ll see you again, some other night when I wouldn’t be able to escape these feelings of mine, writing to you hoping that maybe these absolutely meaningless and helpless words of mine reach to you well.

-Manisha