My Myriad Affection

Between the shining stars, my moon shimmers. Upon his holy soul my thoughts run in an endless array. The closer I am, the more hurt is felt and feelings residing in both are like secrets untold. Care-he never knew and hatred, I. The going got tougher and people said “when the going gets tough, the tough gets going” but it never did. And a day came when I had to go and I did, and never saw his lovely face again. Until now when my dreams are colored with his and my memories together and tears; this always followed next.

The distance crumbled and tore me apart whereas he was as unaffected, as affected as, I was. My pictures are dark and hurtful now and sorrow has filled my land. I prayed to God to vanish my pain whereas secretly I was simply praying for him.

Days passed with no contact at all and I accepted my seclusion only to know that the holy spirit had different plans. And plans too different than what I had in my mind. My spirit had been shattered into a zillion pieces which to me seemed could never be glued again until of course he comes back to my life.

He’s the glue which keeps all my pieces together, without whom I’m just shattered parts of a puzzle meaningless till all are joined together. He’s everything I ever need, till the time I die. And even after that, my eyes will long to see him and my fingers, to feel his entangled to mine. I regret how I took our moments together for granted and I wish I could tell him, that he’s the everything that completes me, to tell him I don’t mind ending my life if it meant to save his.

One moment I had everything that one needs, and the other I was left with nothing. The game my life played with me was one hell of a game! 

Untraced and unaffected I planned to be, but like my other plans it failed too. I thought he was the stitches I need to heal my wounds, unfortunately he was the salt being rubbed; dangerous and unwanted! Yet I longed for him and shed tears whereas he was on with someone new. The promises he made to me were being made to someone new and different. But for once I wanna say to him:

“hope this one stays."

Subsistence

Its the finesse of the circle of life
that what comes,goes
be it the dark clouds, heavy rain, or be it me.
I have come and I will go
and there's nothing about it that anyone can do.

But when I'll be gone dear,
don't shed even a single tear,
for, I am not forever gone,
although I'll be unseen from the dawn
but I'll be there!

I will look at you from the sky,
I'll be a star up too high.
Whenever you'll feel down just look up in the shades of blues
and I'll colour your world with happinesses' hues.

When the clouds will cover me,
don't get sad,
I'll show myself again,
within a tick or tad.
because what comes, goes
be it the dark clouds or a beautiful rose.

Just my dear,
Dont shed a tear,
for I will be near,
And you Dont ever have to fear.

This cancer thing has hit me hard,
but I haven't fallen yet.
Oh my love, when I'll go,
Stand and don't fall.
The pain will come to you
but remember my love:-
What comes, goes.

Decisions

Why did I want him to come? Maybe because I liked him before or maybe I still do. I'm not sure, neither do I want to be. Feelings, love, desires, these are complicated things and I'd suggest that its better to stay away from these. But the experience, the experience is what makes it all worth it. The butterflies, the peeping, the hiding, all of it making you alive. The disastrous part is the confussion, the chaos, the pain. It all makes me wonder are the feelings really worth it? Love to me is like a question with no definite answer in return,which we always expect. We try hard to find it but we don't get it and it hurts every time.
what? What seems sane? Moreover what is sane? Love resides in all of us and yes I want to show and feel and live with it but I don't want to get hurt. I don't wanna be crying in my bed staring the ceiling of my room during sleepless nights. I want to love, I want someone to message me good morning and good night every other date. I wish it was all so easy.
The background I share with him is hurtful and I had hoped that our paths never cross, but here i am in the same train as his and with the utmost strength left within me I gave him a smile. The worst thing in all of this is to pretend. To pretend to be fine when you've just been shattered into a million pieces from within.

Only in minutes a message flashes my mobile screen from a number I hardly want to recognize. "You seem fine :)" the message contained. I seem fine? Why? Should I be always in tears for not having you? Won't you like me that way? I thought. "Time passed. I'm pretty fine." I wrote back. Pretty fine? More like pretty not fine. But it was useless telling him that. If a list is created about the things he cares about, people's and specially my feelings won't be on it. It was hard to explain and it is hard to explain but overall I'd say I was rather happy then compared to what I am now. Its hard for me to understand what life wants out of me? What am I destined for?

 "Was nice to see you after so long" he replied. Why? Because it made you realise how good you are? How better you are? What does he want now? Is his stomach not full yet from my pains and sorrows that he seeks more? Or is it that it can never be filled? So many questions and so less answers and so much misery everywhere.
"Same." I replied hoping all this chatting business will be over soon. In the very next moment he came and sat in the seat in front of me. What the hell was I thinking? It did feel nice when he did so but it made it hurtful as well. Crap.
"What do you want?" I asked with a little bit of frustration in my tone. "I just wanted to apologize" he said with a little tension. "You want apologize for what Rahul?" I inquired. "What are you feeling bad about? For rejecting me before? For being the worst and the best guy at the same time?" I said with an angry and raised voice which made some heads turn towards us. "Nothing" he said in a low voice and sat quietly in front of me. I didn't bother to look at that pleasant and calming face of his. I don't want to, and this time I was happy with my decision. For the first time, I was sure I don't want him anymore. Its done, I'm so over him.
I decided to take the very last glance at his face and I did. To my surprise he was already looking at me. I dont know how but my facial muscles went out of my control and sadness and sympathy took my face. He smiled at me and I couldn't control my heart. He was after all what I always wanted. Yes it was sad and yes I felt depressed but I knew this was it. I had made sure that nothing he could say would now make a difference but now it didn't seem to matter.
Suddenly his phone rang, he looked frustrated yet he picked up the phone. "Yes I'm completely fine, you don't need to worry. Okay. Bye . Yes, I love you." And the call cut but gave me enough time to see the contact name-"Baby". All this made me furious and I took my eyes off of him. Enough I thought. I can't do this. A huge streak of jealousy ran through my spine and why wouldn't I be jealous? Tears filled my eyes. Even though I wanted to say so much to him, now I didn't want to say a word. The world is a cruel place and crueler are its people and cruelest are those who tolerate! 

Heart only wishes..

All this while, I was looking at myself

never noticed who was looking at me.

Had my hands drenched in colors,

which the world mistook for misery.

Remembered love and what was care,

In the blindness of the same, forgot what was fair.

His eyes sparkled even then in pain,

later realized, he had been crying in the rain.

The dark clouds smeared and rubbed into my picture,

Solitude and seclusion were my fixture.

Falling stars were my only demand,

love and affection was his command.

Now I’m left with my thousand wishes,

Only hoping that they were you’re kisses.

Now gone is time, yours and mine.

Baby I’m resentful but now, you seem fine!

The dawn...

“The Barricades were set

And the guns were ready,

the battle field was cut

the soldiers were steady.

The commanders cheered

and we ran our way

The enemy feared

Us and so shall we say!

The pride for our land

Was the reason for the war

Could have been avoided by one hand

But left many memories sour.

And  the dawn was dancing

On melodies from far away,

The birds had left,

They didn’t opt to stay.

T’was a battlefield,

Not your playground my son!”

Said the old dying veteran

 Still Ready to run.